Clyste Email
Table of Contents
When I joined the Clyste group, I was sent an email by the COO of the company. I offered to help with a rewrite of the initial email. Here you can see the original as well as my version.
The original
Welcome to the community Aaron. Our first goal is 1. To inform you about what we are doing (whatever you don’t understand, please ask questions – this will help us refine our idea). 2. Ask for your help in spreading the word and inviting individuals in your network who may be interested in this idea or supporting us by reviewing our product and providing feedback so that we can build a platform that meets the needs of our users – you. 3. Welcome other like-minded individuals that join this group to the team, answer questions if you know the answer, and network. Use this chance to grow your professional network and find people you would like to work with in the future. Whether you are working on this project or your own, this is a community for you, too. Thank you for your interest in this project and I look forward and answering any questions you may have. Jake
Also let me know if this welcome message works – from a writer’s view and from a reader’s understanding. I’ll be using this to personally welcome each individual that joins the slack channel, however, it is still a template and the only thing that will likely change is the individual’s name – and later, our goals.
Thank you. I appreciate it a lot.
Jake
My version
Aaron, Welcome to the Clyste Social Network community! We are excited that you have decided to join us.
Here are our current goals:
- To inform you about what we are doing (please ask if you have any questions).
- Spread the word and invite other like-minded individuals into the team.
- Ask others to test our product and provide feedback so that we may improve it.
- Use this platform to grow our network and our skills.
Thank you for your interest in this project. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask.
Jake
A Note on my Changes
I was glad to be asked for help on this email. The first thing I noticed when I read it was the large block of text at the start. Since people often sift through many emails a day, few have the patience to read long paragraphs. One of the best ways to change this is by bullet points or numbered lists, but his numbers were still within the block of the paragraph.
I also noticed that point two and three were really saying the same things in different ways (to bring in new people). So I consolidated those and added an important point he mentioned later, that being a part of this team would grow our network as well as our skills. I included it in the list because I thought it important, but also because you don’t want to have a list of fewer than three items. It just looks bad.
When I was done, I thought the email was quicker to skim, and a little more clear.